Do you feel insecure in relationships? This is your attachment style (2023)

Personal development


checked by an expert


Special Judge:

Updated June 20, 2023

mbg Writer on nutrition and health

Od Abbey Moore

mbg Writer on nutrition and health

Abby Moore is head of editorial at mindbodygreen. She obtained a bachelor's degree. She received her PhD in journalism from the University of Texas at Austin and previously wrote for Tribeza magazine.

Expert review on

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW

Certified AEDP psychotherapist

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, is a certified psychoanalyst, certified AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor, and licensed clinical social worker. She is the author of the award-winning self-help book It's Not Always Depression.

What is thisHow is it developing?Signsdating habitsTriggersHow to fix it


June 20, 2023

According to the assumptions of attachment theory, the way we behave in our relationships - called attachment style - is a direct reflection ofthe way we were looked after when we were children.

If you are someone who tends to feel very insecure in your relationships or who usually needs a lot of validation from your partner, you may have an anxious attachment style.

one D

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

Anxious attachmentit is a type of insecure attachment style rooted in fear of abandonment and insecurity of devaluation.

We also invite people with an anxious attachment styleattachment disorder1, they often get nervous about separation from their partner.

About 20% of people have an anxious attachment styleAccording to a study.

"When people have this attachment style, their inner world and the world with the people closest to them feel insecure," says a clinical psychologist.Bobbi Wegner, psychiatrist– he writes in his future bookRaising Feminist Boys"so there is little room for empathy and development in their circle of interests."

Anxious attachment is one of the four main attachment styles:

  • Secure attachment:is characterized by the ability to easily establish secure relationships
  • Avoiding attachment:characterized by emotional unavailability
  • An attachment that prevents fear:a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles
  • Anxious attachment


Anxious attachment is a type of insecure attachment style that is rooted in the fear of abandonment and the uncertainty of being unappreciated.

one D

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

RELATED:What is your attachment style? An explanation of the attachment theory

An anxious attachment develops in children with an unpredictable or emotionally insensitive parent.

At some point, the parent will be loving and available. The next moment, they fail to meet their basic needs for love, security and attention, Wegner explains. "It leaves the child unsure of what to expect and hungry for attention and contact."

Because love was not always given in childhood, it is difficult for people with anxious attachments to rely on others.

"Some childhood relationships may have taught them a deep distrust of intimacy - that the people you love and rely on can be emotionally unpredictable and even aggressive." - PsychologistDebra Campbell, translates.


Children with an unpredictable or emotionally insensitive parent often develop an anxious attachment, leaving the child confused and longing for love and connection.

The 8 best CBD oils for sleep to help you stay calm before bedtimeLizzy Sherman

7 Best CBD Sleeping Gummies for a Relaxed Bedtime*Julia Guera

5 health counseling programs that will change the way you think about wellnessMerrella Redmana

  1. Insecure in relationships
  2. Attached or possessive
  3. Fear of rejection
  4. Jealous
  5. Distrust of others
  6. Overwhelmed by intimacy and longing for it at the same time
  7. Low or negative self-view

RELATED:9 Steps to Healing Attachment Problems in Relationships

one D

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

Because their parent-child relationship was not conducive to vulnerability or intimacy, those with anxious attachments yearn for deep connection and love.

However, the same childhood experiences made it difficult for them to trust loved ones, including partners, and created terrible insecurity in their relationships.

This uncertainty can cause them to become possessive, overly dependent and attached to their partner, a holistic psychologistNicole Lippman-Barile, δρ. sc., He says.

In trying to stop their partner, they may push him away." Often look people who are anxiously attachedemotionally weakWenger says.

But instead of expressing their needs, they tend to act on them. This often leads to a relational pattern of action followed by a need for confirmation.

For example, an anxious partner has a panic attack when his significant other goes out with friends. To meet the needs of the anxious partner, they stay home next time.

"Unfortunately, this dynamic happens all the time, with the partner becoming resentful and frustrated," says Wegner.

To achieve a healthy relationship, an anxiously attached person should look for someone with a secure attachment style (or someone who works with them in a shared secure attachment style).

Unfortunately, their actions are usually characterized by an avoidance style, which is confirmed by their fear of abandonment and rejection, says Lippman-Barile.


Dating with an anxious attachment style can be difficult because childhood experiences made it difficult for them to trust loved ones, including romantic partners. This can cause them to become possessive, overly dependent, and attached to their partner.

one D

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.

Due to the general uncertainty, there are many events that can intentionally or unintentionally trigger an anxious attachment in someone, for example:


Does not respond

“One of the triggers for an anxiously attached person is their partnerdoes not respond to texts and callsfor a long time,” says Lippman-Barile. Not knowing why their partner is not responding can make them worry about what happened or what they did to push him away.Anxiety at the beginning of a relationshipThis is common in many people, but people with an anxious attachment style carry this anxiety with them throughout their relationship.

one D

This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features.


Perceived threat or loss of relationship

For many, some levels of conflict can be healthy. However, for people with anxious attachment, talking about problems in an authentic way can cause feardepartureWegner explains. If they hear their partner express doubts or fears about the relationship, they can lead to disaster and automatically assume that the relationship is falling apart - sometimesself-sabotage in your relationship.


The partner begins to behave more independently

If the partner of the anxiously attached person starts making new friends or taking up new hobbies, it can cause fear of abandonment and the feeling that he or she is not interesting enough. For example, says Lippman-Barile, an anxious person may see joining a literature club or watching a sports game alone as the second person they want to leave.


Unpredictable behavior

“When an anxious person doesn't know what to expect in your relationship, it creates a lotuncertaintyfor the individual and is very much related to their early attachment to the caregiver,” says Wegner. "It can be a partner who says everything right, but then disappears unexpectedly."



People with an anxious attachment style need consistencyvalidationsays Wegner, so distance - even when perceived - can be a trigger. "This could be in the form of going out with friends, connecting with others, or being unavailable due to work or family commitments," she says.

RELATED:Take this simple 5-minute quiz to find out your attachment style


Know your attachment style

"Awareness of attachment styles helps to clarify potential barriers to trust, closeness, and intimacy in adulthood," says Campbell. Understanding why you behave a certain way in relationships is the first step to breaking these patterns. “All change starts with self-reflection and self-awareness,” says Wegner.


Customize your behavior

Once you understand how this attachment causes problems in your relationships, you can begin to make more informed decisions. The stressful behaviors you usually engage in aren't getting you what you really want, says Lippman-Barile. Choosing to be different - even if it's scary or uncomfortable - can help you start making changes that will lead to a safe relationship.


Contact someone you trust

Overcoming an anxious attachment style usually requires help. For starters, you can start by contacting trusted family and friends. Because people with anxious attachment have a hard time trusting loved ones, Wegner also recommends getting therapy. "Anxious attachment style is very common and most therapists can help with it," she says. "Doing a little work now can save you a lot of pain and headaches in the future."

RELATED:7 expert-approved books that delve deeper into attachment styles

Because attachment styles develop in response to our childhood understanding of attachment, overcoming these instinctive patterns can be difficult.

But it is certainly possible to heal binding wounds. WITHself-knowledgeand work, these unhealthy behaviors can be overcome.


Top Articles
Latest Posts
Article information

Author: Neely Ledner

Last Updated: 08/19/2023

Views: 5723

Rating: 4.1 / 5 (42 voted)

Reviews: 89% of readers found this page helpful

Author information

Name: Neely Ledner

Birthday: 1998-06-09

Address: 443 Barrows Terrace, New Jodyberg, CO 57462-5329

Phone: +2433516856029

Job: Central Legal Facilitator

Hobby: Backpacking, Jogging, Magic, Driving, Macrame, Embroidery, Foraging

Introduction: My name is Neely Ledner, I am a bright, determined, beautiful, adventurous, adventurous, spotless, calm person who loves writing and wants to share my knowledge and understanding with you.