Do you have attachment issues in your relationships? Here's how to treat them (2023)



July 7, 2021

Clinical psychologist

Carla Marie Manly,

Clinical psychologist

Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D. SC is a clinical psychologist living in Sonoma County, California. She holds a PhD in clinical psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute and a master's degree in counseling from Sonoma State University.

SensSecure attachmentAnxious attachmentAn attachment that prevents fearRejection-avoidanceWhy Attachment Problems Matter

How to fix them

July 7, 2021

Kya has an anxious attachment style. As a child, she was in turmoil and out of touch with her emotionally distant parents. The brutal end of Kya's last relationship left her feeling more anxious and desperate than ever. Her partner cheated on her, and she cannot accept the betrayal. Kya is tired of feeling stuck and worried about being abandoned. He wants to feel strong and secure within himself.

Have you discovered that your relationship history is littered with more traumatic issues? Do attachment problems prevent you from getting close to your partner? Are your partner's attachment issues preventing you from breaking through these defenses? If so, you are not alone. Here's how you can actually figure it outcureattachment problems in relationships;

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What are attachment problems?

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Attachment problems, also known as early attachments, are the challenges a person faces when forming secure attachments in relationships, sometimes called problemsattachment style. Your attachment style is your mind's blueprint for how secure you are in a relationship.

Whatever attachment style you have—secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—was formed early in your life. Your attachment style is not a "conscious choice." based on a degreetuningthe loving connection and security you experienced with your parents or guardians. And because your attachment style was like thatwas createdBased on your experiences with intimate caring relationships, your attachment style will become more apparent in adulthoodintimaterelations.

Your early attachments are exposed to close relationships where vulnerability, trust and security are at their greatestnecessary.That's why someone you really care about can deeply do thisstart with wounds; someone you know peripherally just can't get close enough to meet or activate your wounds

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4 attachment styles.

To understand attachment issues, it's important to first understand what your attachment style is. Some people have a well-defined attachment style and some people have a mix of styles. It's common for people to see themselves in more than one attachment style, but one style may seem stronger than the others. It's perfectly acceptable to create a "mixed" attachment description that reflects who you are at the moment. For example, you might think that your style is 80% secure and 20% fearful. The goal is to increase your personal awareness, not just labeling yourself or your partner.

Secure attachment

People with Asecure attachment stylethey usually find it easier in relationships. A partner with a secure attachment style tends to have a fairly high level of self-esteem because they received adequate attention, love, and care during childhood. People with a secure attachment style tend to feel secure with themselves and in a healthy relationship. they are not afraid of intimacy and have the capacity for independence and interdependence. People with a sense of security usually areemotionally available, grounded and non-reactive.

While this sounds ideal, even people with a secure attachment style can get aroused from time to time. When two committed people are in a relationship, breakups don't happen often and often heal smoothly. However, if a person with a secure connection collaborates with someone who does not have a secure connection, persistent problems can arise. Thus, if you are a securely attached person rather than an insecurely attached person, your overall job is to consistently maintain and maintain a "secure attachment."

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Anxious attachment

Oni saanxious attachment style;they often have difficulty in relationships due to their often unmet need for contact. People with an anxious attachment style often have low self-esteem, but they are prone to itHitheir partners. The fantasy approach, where the partner is placed on a pedestal and viewed as the "perfect partner", is common. This often results in preoccupation with the relationship and obsessive thinking patterns are common.

Because of a deep fear of being alone and losing a relationship, an anxiously attached person can become very attached andvery addictive. People with anxious attachments can be reactive, emotionally oversensitive, and willing to accept less than they deserve in relationships. Although the person suffering from anxiety is often submissive, they can become aggressive if asked. Fear of possible rejection or abandonment often lurks – even when there is no reason to suspect that the partner is unfaithful or disconnected.

An attachment that prevents fear

People with Aanxious-avoidant attachment stylethey often have significant difficulties in romantic relationships. they may seem committed and close to the relationship at first, but they are unable to maintain a healthy relationship. Due to low self-esteem, they tend to believe that they are not worthy of love and often do not respect their partners. Given their inner ambivalence, the fear-avoidant type tends to create cheesy relationships full of unpredictability and dramatic conflict. Their inner world is based on fear and is chaotic. This often leads to aggressive behavior directed against others and yourself. This type is driven by a constant conflict between the desire to bond and the deep fear of attachment.

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An attachment based on avoiding rejection

People with Adisrespectful and avoidant stylethey often seem independent and may have high self-esteem. They often believe they are better than others - especially in romantic relationships. Although they often have a rejection avoidance styleLookthey are able to make contact, they are often emotionally distant and extremely independent in close relationships. Withdrawn and self-centered individuals, often charismatic, prefer superficial relationships and often prefer relationships and casual relationships. The ambivalent type, who avoids rejection, builds walls and suppresses intimacy.

Why are attachment issues important?

A person's "worst" attachment problems tend to occur during stressful times, so it may be that the unhealthy behaviors associated with attachment trauma are more stable. On the other hand, some attachment styles are self-toxic because attachment traumas are aggravated by "opposite" traumas. For example, a person with an anxious need for attachment and connection is likely to be strongly aroused by a partner with an avoidant attachment style that focuses on pushing others away. While healing is possible in any conscious relationship, there are certain factors that make attachment wounds much more difficult to heal.

The good news is that yesHookschange your attachment style. If you don't have a secure attachment style, you can certainly work on yourself to shift to a healthier relationship dynamic. And if you are in a relationship, profound positive changes can occur when both partners consciously invest in healing the wounds of attachment.

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How to cure attachment problems.

You can take the steps yourself or with a trusted partner. If you work with a partner, it willAlsocomplete each step. Then you can consciously share your thoughts and createeffectivegoals to move forward in a healthy, connected way.


Know your attachment style.

Whether you take a few online attachment style quizzes, work with a therapist, or read about attachment, explore your attachment style without judgment. If you have a more mixed attachment style, focus on the elements of each style that work best for you. Awareness of your attachment style is one of the most important keys to healing attachment wounds.


Discover your partner's attachment style.

Whether your partner is interested in working independently or not, it's important to understand how your partner's attachment style affects you and your relationship. If your partnerIswho are interested in delving into this area can certainly engage in conscious, collaborative therapy. If your partneris notIf you're interested in self-development, just knowing your partner's attachment style can help you be more aware and understanding when challenges arise in your relationship.



A self-reflection diary can be one of the most powerful self-development tools. While working, it is important to show compassion and not to be judgmental. Take the time to write down about 10 good things about your attachment style. Take a break and then focus on the 10 flaws of your attachment style. For example, a person with the devaluation avoidance style may write in a journal and realize that self-sufficiency is an advantage. Later, the diary may reveal that the downside of the rejecting and avoidant style is the tendency to feel isolated.


Notification activations.

Notice when your binding wounds move. Keep a journal where you can record attachment issues without judging. If you're currently in a relationship, just take simple, non-critical notes when you feel the trigger. If you're not in a relationship, you can take notes on old relationship patterns.

The goal is not to judge or blame anyone (including yourself). the goal is simply to increase awareness of one's own bound wounds. For example, you can write:

  • "I feel open when my partner is not nice."
  • "I get irritated when my partner gets clingy."
  • "I get mad when my partner wants sex, even if we're not emotionally connected."
  • "I feel sad when my partner doesn't seem to care about my needs."

The more often you notice your triggers, the more you can focus on treating sensitive internal wounds.


Find your wounds.

Think about trigger themes. As you explore different topics, many clear patterns emerge. These patterns will lead you to recognize hidden attachment wounds – such as fear of intimacy, feelings of unloving, or fear of rejection.

For example, you may notice an arousal problem when your partner doesn't give you enough attention. I'd say it's one of your key traumasthey do not have enough love relationship.Another example: you may realize that you often criticize your partner and cause conflicts. this may tell you that this is one of your underlying woundsnot knowing how to make contact in a gentle, intimate way.The aim issympatheticallyadmit your wounds to increase your self-awareness.


Know your needs.

View your first attachments using the calendar. You may be able to relate each wound to a specific childhood event or pattern. Research the topic of each wound by writing in your journal about how the wound affected you when you were a child. Then write down how these patterns appear in your caseJust nowrelationship or previous romantic relationships. As always, adopt a compassionate and non-judgmental approach that supports personal growth.

This heightened awareness will help you appreciate your wounds and share them with your partner. You may remember, for example, that one or both parents were rarely attentive, and problems at work often distracted them. That's when you may realize that your partner's habit of multitasking while talking makes you feel neglected and rejected. This relationship will help you realize how important it is for you to have a partner who is willing to give you focused and attentive attention.


Practice expressing your needs.

As you examine your wounds, you will realize that you can gain strength by acknowledging and expressing your needs. Instead of reacting or shutting down, you can express your needs to your partner in a clear and healthy way. By using "I" statements and clear communication, your partner will become more aware of your hurtsIyour needs.

For example, you can tell your partner, "It hurts when you're multitasking while talking to you. I feel loved and connected when you focus on me during our conversations." This clear and thoughtful “feeling need” pattern gives your partner the opportunity to purposefully nurture your early bondscurrentone sec.


Stay within your limits.

Ideally, your partner understands the importance of your request and works diligently to meet your needs. the more your partner tends to your wounds in this diligent and attentive manner, the more you both will feel. And if you treat your partner in the same careful and purposeful way, his wounds will heal too.

However, sometimes partners do not respond in a healthy way and may even intentionally cause harm. In addition, even well-meaning partners unknowingly fall back into old habits. If your partner mentions a past hurt even after explaining the problem, it's important to redefine your needs and stick to your limits. Unfortunately, sometimes a partner is unwilling to engage in a new, healthy dynamic. In such cases, it is often wise to be guided by self-love.


Talk about consciously "fixing wounds."

As you progress, you and your partner talk more deeply about the causes of your wounds. Explore childhood patterns and family issues to understand and appreciate each other's attachments. Reactivity, guilt, and defensiveness will decrease as each partner becomes more aware of their own wrongs and needs.Consciousness, full of loveprivate Wound healing can have a very cleansing and strengthening effect on relationships. It's important to note thatobaPartners must commit to supporting each other in treatment in a compassionate and informed manner.


Remember that your attachment style is important because it is the foundation of how you feel and communicate in your most intimate relationships. The good news is that you can change your attachment style through focused efforts at self-development. Attachment issues run deep, so if you need extra support, see a qualified psychotherapist. You deserve safety, protection and love.

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