The real reason couples break up after having a baby - the list (2023)

The real reason couples break up after having a baby - the list (1)


Vonbritânia brolly/February November 2019 2:34 pm

When planning a baby, there's no shortage of things you can and probably should do to prepare. From taking prenatal supplements to choosing a healthcare provider and getting tested for gestational diabetes, it's important to keep an eye on your health—and your baby's—during these vital nine months. You should also prepare a place in your home for the newborn and make a labor and delivery plan.parenting magazineadvised to do most of the prep work in the last month. "As your baby's due date approaches, find a comfortable chair, place your hand on your belly, and enjoy the calm before the storm," the site recommended.

But what happens when the "storm" comes? Despite the joy experienced by many parentsimmediately after birth, many moms and dads will struggle in the coming months. This adjustment period can be particularly stressful in relationships. That's why so many couples don't part ways long after they get their bundle of joy home.

it's a great fit

The real reason couples break up after having a baby - the list (2)


Even if you and your partner have decorated the nursery, printed out a detailed birth plan, and come up with solutions for every little thing imaginable, your newborn probably won't mind your best laid plans. And despite all your research, you might not have realized just how much adding a third person would change your life. This was confirmed by relationship expert Andrea Syrtash.Bravo, saying, "New parents may not realize how a couple needs to adjust by sleeping less and paying close attention to a new person." So is all hope lost? Not necessarily, but for some couples this adjustment can be too much.

“It's important to set expectations before the baby is born so they remember they're in this together,” Sirtash said. at least youSon. You'll both be learning how to become parents in real time, so understanding that this adjustment period will occur and that it won't be perfect will benefit your relationship.

too much stress

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RespectivelyStatistics Sweden(AboveAcademia Sahlgrenska), 30% of parents of young children in Sweden separate. Researchers at the University of Gothenburg continued to examine the factors that contributed to the dissolution of many parental relationships. One factor the researchers found was "stress levels." Ask any new parent and they'll tell you that having a baby can be wonderful, yes, but alsoemtypes of stress.

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a study ofMax Planck Institute for Demographic Researchin Germany found that during the first year of a baby's life, new mothers and fathers experience a huge "drop in life satisfaction", even greater than losing a job, getting divorced or the death of a partner. So yes, caring for a baby is certainly stressful. Still, there are options for you and your partner.manage stressparenting together.Shoshana Bennett, clinical psychologist and author ofpostpartum depression for dummies, recommends making a date with your partner every other week, even if that's the last thing on your mind.

insufficient support

Young children, of course, need care, but your needs aren't all that different just because you're an adult. "It's easy to feel overwhelmed and abandoned, sleepless and needy," said Mindy Schiffman, a clinical psychologist.Bravo. It's not just your newborn who is going through these emotions. "Everyone needs extra support and help when there's a new baby, and figuring out how to get what you need isn't always easy," explained the expert. And yet it can be done.

Schiffman said parents need to "tag a team," let go of the small stuff and improve their communication. "That's just to take care of each partner," she clarified, "and then you still have to take care of the baby." Providing support as a new parent may not be easy (and maybe even harder to accept), but it certainly benefits the whole family. But you don't have to wait until you feel overwhelmed to ask for help.tammy oro, psychotherapist and certified parenting coach in New York, recommends creating a parenting planBefore"Chronic sleep deprivation and physical and mental exhaustion set in."

"Bad communication"

The real reason couples break up after having a baby - the list (5)


Clinical psychologist Mindy Schiffman has good reason to preach the values ​​of good communication. Researchers in Sweden found that "insufficient communication' was one of the contributing factors to a 30% divorce rate for new parentsThe 30-Day Love Detox, provided some tips to help new parents improve their communication.

“It is normal for the relationship to break down temporarily when the children are small. It's important to comment on that and be aware of that," Walsh Additionally, Hansson recommended direct communication and the use of "I" messages when addressing a specific need. No, she's not talking about texting her partner. Using "I" messages means avoiding starting a sentence with "Have you never..." and trying to say something like "I would be happy if we..." or "I would appreciate it if...". Concise communication is always important, but perhaps never more so than when you're adjusting to parenthood.

without so much privacy

The real reason couples break up after having a baby - the list (6)


Just as it's normal for communication to falter after the baby is born, so does another important part of your relationship. Jason Eric Rosstold TherapistBravothat "intimacy automatically decreases after the birth of a child". "The emotional and physical energy that normally goes to the couples now goes to the baby." FOR"lack of privacy"It's also been cited by Swedish researchers as an indicator of separation and divorce. With all the needs of a new baby, it can be all too easy to put your own and your partner's physical needs on the back burner. And let's be honest, those possibilities are that , after your child is born, you just won't be in the mood to mess with your partner.

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The information was announced by the main researcher of the Swedish study, Malin Hansson.yahooThe Secret to Reviving Intimacy. “The key is sensuality in everyday life, lots of hugs, kisses and physical contact. Sensuality leads to intimacy, which in turn leads to belonging and trust.

"Mother Guardian"

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Jancee Dunn, author ofHow not to hate your husband after children.She admitted that she and her husband were on the brink of separation when they decided to seek advice from marriage counselors, psychologists, time management experts and other experts. Through her research, she realized that she had been demanding about her husband's interactions with their new baby.

"This is because behavioral psychologists call this 'mothering control,' where a mother can either open the door to encourage her partner's participation or close it," the author wrote in an article forTo be. "As soon as I became aware of this behavior, I saw that he did it all the time," he confessed. When her husband started to change the baby's diaper, she intervened to correct him. When he dressed the baby, she rolled her eyes.

"Like a hesitant father, who discouraged him, and who doesn't hesitate first?" she cheated. Eventually, Dunn relented and let her husband take care of their child.Eswanted and not howshehe thought better: anything to improve their relationship.

"Fatherhood Tribes"

The real reason couples break up after having a baby - the list (8)


A gap indicator anddivorceamong new parents, as the Swedish researchers found, might surprise you. Although it may be impossible to avoid"paternity accusations' was identified as a contributing factor. While all new parents feel the pressure of their new responsibilities, many of the "stresses" that come with parenthood aren't just caused by having a child. It comes from feeling alone on your journey despite being in a relationship," explained lead researcher Malin Hansson.yahoothat the division of tasks can relieve some of this pressure.

“Studies show that the relationship lasts longer and the couple harmonizes better when both actively assume responsibility”, said the researcher to the website. While this means that both parents experience the "burdens of parenthood" equally, it will help ensure that one parent doesn't feel overwhelmed by their new parenting responsibilities.

An "unfair workload"

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If one parent has almost sole responsibility for raising the couple's children, that parent certainly feels more what Malin-Hansson and other researchers have called"Tribes through parenthood".Even the least committed parent is likely to feel some of the stress that comes with welcoming a new family member into the home. However, most of these burdens tend to affect women. Women in heterosexual relationships are often expected to take on most of the housework and child-rearing, as reported byevidence-based midwifery(AboveThe Collage of the Royal Midwives).

“Women generally do more housework and childcare than their male partners, even when working full-time, and express resentment at this uneven workload,” the article says. Although the evidence cited in the post shows that most couples believe that household and childcare responsibilities should be shared equally.Beforehaving a child changed thatafterbring babies home mommies,nofeel guiltyshare half of the housework and parentingfor papa.


The balancing act"

The real reason couples break up after having a baby - the list (10)


While it is not unfair to expect parents to be equally involved in raising their children, it isevidence-based midwifery(AboveThe Collage of the Royal Midwives) also noted, "Men argued that this 'balancing act' is difficult, particularly when combining work with household chores, and leads to conflicts and tensions and, ultimately, marital dissatisfaction." separation - and the "unfair workload"it couldAlsolead to a breakup: how will the relationship survive?

According to psychiatrist Michael Ascher, it's not because parents need less homework. Rather, they must be involved in such tasks from the beginning. "As a parent, it's good to be involved in raising your children every day from the beginning", reveals the expert in an article for thepsychology today. "That's how you meet your kids from the first floor." Ascher also urged parents to "honor the role that feminism and gender equality continue to play in becoming that kind of parent." The psychiatrist went on to reassure new parents, "Your children will realize this and appreciate the respectful attitude and carry it with them as they become healthy adults."

A "confused" lifestyle

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You might find that becoming a new parent is challenging, exciting, frustrating, and wonderful all at the same time. But if you describe your life as "chaotic" after the birth of your first child, beware. according to alearnRegarding the decline in marital satisfaction after having a baby, the researchers found that husbands and wives who "describe their lives as chaotic" experience a drop in marital satisfaction when the baby comes into play.

"When it comes to describing the chaos, couples often say they are going through major life changes with things they feel they have no control over," said lead study author Alyson Fearnley Shapiro in an interview that sheds of washington. She went on to say, "If there is a tendency to view early issues as out of control, imagine how the couple will react to the major life changes they will experience with a baby when there is none." the child will cry or wake up in the middle of the night."

Depression in mothers and fathers.

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Unfortunately,Depressionhas proved to be a burden on a couple's marriage and is therefore increasingmarital dissatisfaction.Despitebaby blues, a mood disorder that affects some women after giving birth, is becoming more recognized, men can also experience a form of pregnancy-related depressionlearnfound that this condition, sometimes called paternal or paternal postpartum depression, affects about 10% of men from their partner's first trimester to six months and after the child's birth. In fact, almost 26% of men experience this type of depression when their children are between three and six months old.

"That's more than twice the rate of depression that we typically see in men," said James F. Paulson, a psychologist and lead author of the "The fact that so many wait andnew parentsIf you do, it's a major public health problem that has been largely overlooked by doctors and psychiatrists.

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Difficulty adapting to “new roles and responsibilities”

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"Parents often argue about which path is right as they both adjust to their new roles and responsibilities," revealed Joyce Marter, licensed clinical consultant and owner of Urban Balance LLC, a psychotherapy clinic in Chicago, Illinois.priests. with. This can lead to what author Jancee Dunn calls "meta materna,“But this argument can also come from a lack of preparation on the part of the father.Psychiatrist Michael Ascher saidParents should be “involved in parenting from the beginning,” but parents can and should be involved even earlier.

Why not read books together to prepare for your baby's birth or take childbirth classes so you both know what to expect? even recommendedCamp for new parents. The sooner dads get involved, the sooner and easier it will be to adjust to all the "new roles and responsibilities" that come with parenthood.

A "transactional relationship"

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Drawing on her experience working with parents of young children, Rachel Sussman, a relationship expert and marriage counselor based in New York City, sharedBusiness Insiderthat these couples sometimes struggle to find time to connect. Sometimes, the counselor said, they feel that "their relationship has become too transactional." While this is common, it's probably not the type of relationship you want to have with your partner.

Alyson Fearnley Shapiro, lead author of a comprehensivelearnDecreased marital satisfaction after having a babythree stepsCouples can avoid these types of "transactional" relationships. Firstly, "building affection and affection for your partner" will be a big help. "Being aware of and receptive to what's going on in your spouse's life" and "approaching problems as something you and your partner can control and resolve together as a couple" will help build your marriage after marriage to dramatically improve childbirth.

Before the baby there were problems

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Deciding to have a baby when your relationship is already on the rocks is a surefire way to make things happen.added strain on your relationship. Of course, some couples experience unexpected pregnancies. And at that point the relationship may be okay, but is it solid? "Often children are conceived before the couple really know each other well enough or are fed up with their own development," said therapist Jason Eric Ross.Bravo. "Having a child exposed to crack." These couples may break up later on because, according to Ross, "people don't feel compelled to be together these days".

"Having a baby underscores the way you do things, for better or for worse," added relationship expert Andrea Syrtash. She revealed that couples who end up breaking up after having a child would likely still break up if that life change was replaced by another challenge. In other words, don't blame the baby.

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Why do most couples break up after having a baby? ›

It's a lot harder to go out together and enjoy the things you used to do. If you have a partner, they may feel left out, and you may resent what you see as a lack of support. But the stage when babies and children take up all your physical and emotional energy doesn't last forever.

How long after having a baby do couples break up? ›

The decline typically shows up between six months (for women) and nine months (for men) after the baby comes home. Whether you're a new parent who is already experiencing the pain and strain of relationship decline or simply trying to avoid it, you'll need to pay attention.

Why are relationships hard after baby? ›

The physical side of a relationship can also change dramatically — thanks to exhaustion, dealing with the physical and emotional impact of the birth, and the demands of life with a newborn. It can take time to feel like having sex again after birth .

What percentage of couples stay together after having a baby? ›

Among the approximately 30 percent of unmarried parents who are romantically involved but not cohabiting when the baby is born, 77 percent have broken up and only 7 percent are married to each other five years later.

What are 5 things that breaks relationship? ›

The main reasons why relationships fail are loss of trust, poor communication, lack of respect, a difference in priorities, and little intimacy. This article discusses why each may cause a relationship to come to an end.

What are the 4 things that break a relationship? ›

Top 10 Reasons for Relationship Break-Ups
  • Bad behaviors. ...
  • Cheating. ...
  • Misdirected anger. ...
  • Being unsupportive. ...
  • Toxic people. ...
  • Withholding affection and attention. ...
  • Lying. ...
  • Stealing.
Aug 6, 2018

What are 3 reasons some people always end up in a failed relationship? ›

Reasons Relationships Fail
  • Trust Issues. The lack or loss of trust is one of the most harmful impediments to a couple's long-term success. ...
  • Different Expectations. ...
  • Moving Through Life at Different Speeds. ...
  • Communication Issues. ...
  • Life Habit Abuse. ...
  • Sense of Growing Apart. ...
  • Financial Issues.

What is the 3 months rule after breakup? ›

What the post-breakup 3-month rule basically means is that all parties previously linked must wait three months before dating again. The reason for this societal dictation is to give the people involved a breather, some lead time, maybe a little room for forgiveness.

What is the 1 month breakup rule? ›

Whether it's 60 days or no contact for another 30 days. If 30 days have passed and your ex has not reached out to you, then you should give him or her their space. Every break up is different and no written rule says that it's a 30-day cap. Some people can go for 3 months with no-contact.

What is the 6 month rule after breakup? ›

“I try and go by the 6-month rule, which says that for most of us to fully heal, it usually takes around 6 months for every year we are with someone,” Peacock says. For example: If you were with someone for 1 year, it would take 6 months to get over the breakup.

Why don't I feel in love after having a baby? ›

Many new parents need more time to bond. Bonding is when you develop feelings of unconditional love for your newborn. Often, bonding happens gradually over the baby's first year of life. So if you don't feel these strong feelings of closeness in the first days or weeks after birth, that's normal.

What happens to a woman emotionally after having a baby? ›

Most new moms experience postpartum "baby blues" after childbirth, which commonly include mood swings, crying spells, anxiety and difficulty sleeping. Baby blues usually begin within the first 2 to 3 days after delivery and may last for up to two weeks.

Does having a baby change a man? ›

Dads experience hormonal changes, too

Pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding all cause hormonal changes in mothers. However, researchers have found that men also undergo hormonal changes when they become fathers. Contact with the mother and children seem to induce the hormonal changes in dads, the researchers said.

Does a baby bring a couple back together? ›

Having a baby can create a bond that encourages mature personal growth and strengthens a couple's commitment to each other -- but that doesn't happen overnight, and more often, it doesn't happen at all.

How do I get my husband to love me again after having a baby? ›

Ways to Help Your Partner Feel Special After Having a Baby
  1. Plan a date night, even if you cannot go right away. ...
  2. Make a chores list. ...
  3. Feeding baby. ...
  4. Choose a task just for them to do with the baby. ...
  5. Keep open lines of communication. ...
  6. Prioritize intimacy when you are able. ...
  7. Make time for each other as individuals.

How do you get the spark back in a broken relationship? ›

How do you bring the spark back into a relationship? 7 tips
  1. Reminiscing. Revisiting your relationship roots can help rekindle the romance. ...
  2. Focusing on communication. ...
  3. Bringing back the romantic gestures. ...
  4. Practicing gratitude. ...
  5. Scheduling date nights. ...
  6. Try new things together. ...
  7. Kissing more often.

How long does the average couple stay together? ›

What is the average length of marriage? On average, the length of a marriage in the U.S. is seven to eight years. Some states have a higher rate than others, but the divorce rate for the country is around 50%.

What happens to a couple when they have a baby? ›

In fact, research has shown that couples typically experience an increase in conflict and a decrease in overall satisfaction when their first child is born. There are a number of factors that contribute to these feelings including adjustment to new roles and depleted resources like time, sleep, and money.

How many parents actually stay together? ›

Marriage is good for children.

Today, only about 64 percent of children live in homes with two parents who are married, representing an all-time low (Pew Research Center). Trend data shows a stark and steady decline since 1960, when nearly 88 percent of children lived with married parents.

Do a lot of couples break up during pregnancy? ›

Relationship breakdown is common because relationships change during pregnancy. We often hear couples complaining about experiencing marital problems during pregnancy as they find relationship issues during pregnancy challenging to cope with.


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